"You will seek me and find me..."

"...when you seek me with all your heart" (Jer. 29:13).

Well, it is finished...for today, at least. Between 1 and 3 p.m. today I spent time with God asking questions and just spending time with him to close out my fast. The following entries are taken from the journal I've been keeping during my quiet times.

1:00 - 3:00 p.m.
I am spending this designated time with God as the closing of my fasting. I want to hear Him. I want a revelation of what desire(s) He would have me ask of Him.
Could He possibly be showing me two desires? But, how can you possibly begin to ask for one thing when you feel/believe you are not ready to ask for it? Is that part of asking for that desire? It would have to be.... You have to give in completely to Him for Him to properly work in you (Journey of Desire, p. 24).

One desire was very obvious to me: To meet God! To have more of Him!

The thought of this desire made me smile and have this giddy feeling course through me...still does.

But, there was a second desire I felt stirring around inside of me...the one I wonder if I'm ready to ask for. I sat and thought about why I am hesitant about this one and was prompted to make a list. This list consists of five fears that keep me from asking for this desire. After writing my list I flipped through the pages of Journey of Desire and read over passages that I had highlighted. I wrote the following:

If I want to meet You, I have to go deep within my heart and search the very depths of my desire(s) (Journey of Desire, p. 35).
As frightening as that sounds, as much heartache and tears it will bring, for however long it will take...it burns a fire of longing to start the journey!

After thinking on this, I went back to my list of fears and began praying over each one. I felt as though I could breathe again! It was amazing how much lighter I felt going before God and confessing these fears and anxieties to Him...

An entire hour went by without me realizing it. It was pretty cool how that happened. By the time I reached 2:30 it finally felt like an hour had gone by.

The evening before I was sitting in my room dorking around on my guitar and from nowhere (but God) came a melody and then words. The first words that came were the beginnings of a praise chorus, and then a second set of words came that were a different type of praise chorus. The second set was more of a song for those burdened with weights we've allowed to claim us in our lives. The second set of words began to grow and soon became a complete song.

I'll be honest, I was shocked (and excited too) because I was hoping that maybe a song would produce itself from this experience, but wasn't positive it would. I wasn't planning on it, merely hoping.

I played this song a few times during my time alone today, not only to keep it fresh in my mind and try to ingrain it in me, but also to use as a tool for myself to worship and draw closer to God.

I was excited about this song. I began to grow impatient with time and wanted very much to share it with one or two people (one who knew about it, one who didn't). So, I called, with thirty minutes left to spare before 3 o'clock, I called. No answer from either person. I had to laugh. It was God telling me, "No. You said from 1 - 3 you were mine, no interruptions/contacts with anyone." And He was right.

I checked my watch at 3:01 and dialed once more. They answered the phone by the second ring. Hahaha! It had to be Him...holding me to my word.

I've decided to post the words of the new song in my post tonight. I am hoping to record it soon and then post it on my Myspace...no telling how long that will take though.

"Come"

All of you with broken hearts, bitter words and battle scars
Come
And, all of you whose love has gone
You cry at night for anyone
Come

'Cause there's One who is waiting to save you
From this burden that has claimed you
And one touch from His hand can fill your heart
With joy and life again
If you come

All of you, old and young, who have traveled down any road alone
Come
And, all of you who are sons and daughters, friends and lovers
Wanting to be discovered
Come

'Cause there's One who is waiting to save you
From this burden that has claimed you
And one touch from His hand can fill your heart
With joy and life again
If you come

And He's waiting
Yes, He's waiting
Oh, He's waiting
For you to come, for you to come

'Cause there's One who is waiting to save you
From this burden that has claimed you
And one touch from His hand can fill your heart
With joy and life again
If you come

If you come
Won't you come
Please, come

Insert odd catch-phrase headline here...

...along with a quote here.

Attn.: For all few of you who read my blog

This post ties in with my last...so if this one leaves you with questions, just read the previous post. I am asking for prayers from those of you who read this. Starting Monday, October 1st (technically...that would be today), I will begin fasting in preparation for Thursday, October 4th when I will spend a good bit of time before God praying for Him to show me what it is He wants me to ask Him (again, if this doesn't make since, read previous post).

I have looked through my daily routine(s) and have decided that my fasting shall include the following changes:

• I will only be allowed 1 hour of time on the computer.
• I will only be allowed 1 hour of time watching television (this includes movies).
• I will only listen to forms of Christian music OR Classical music (I clearly can't control what is played at work, so this can only be applied to what I can control.).
• I will only drink water.
• I will not consume fried, greasy, or fast food.
• I will not consume any chocolate (which has become very much apart of my daily diet...).

What are specifics that you could pray for?

• Perseverance: that I stay focused and constant during these days that I may be able to come before God at the appointed time and be prepared.
• Sensitivity: to the Spirit's moving/God's voice, that I will be able to clearly see/hear and obey.
• Understanding: this is basically the whole reason why I am doing this. I need, and want, to understand what it is that God is wanting me to ask. I believe that this desire He is wanting to reveal to me is very much a life-changing thing, and is very important. I need to understand Him.
• Anything that the Spirit leads you to pray about (especially things that I may have failed to think of and/or mention here).

I plan on setting aside time during Thursday when I will not be available because I will be spending that time in prayer. When those times have been decided I will post them. I do realize that you cannot make God run on your own schedule and that He could reveal whenever He so decides to, but I am setting these times aside so that it is only me and God. After those times, feel free to contact me, whatever.

I do welcome any phone calls, emails, texts, etc.. during this entire process! Please, feel free to call and ask how things are and to check up on me (Accountability! GONNA NEED IT!)!

Well, it's late and I should already have gone to bed, but I couldn't sleep until I posted this.

Until whenever...

"The Journey Starts Now."

"...because I refuse to be in this place any longer."

Hello children! It has been forever and a day long time since I've posted...and boy, do I ever have a happy-so-very-happy post for you... You ready? 'Cause here we go.

I had been talking on the phone with a friend a week or so ago, and was asked if I had been spending any time with God lately/regular basis. I told them that, no, I wasn't because I would think about it and then become side-tracked with something else (very typical). And the response I got was, "You've got to make time. You've got to do it."

Sept. 19, 2007: I have finished taking a shower and am getting ready to go to lunch with a friend of mine, and I looked out the open window in the bathroom and thought, "I should go sit on the deck and spend some time with God...right now." I felt as if something were calling me outside. So, I did. I got outside and sat on the swing, placed my Bible, pen and notebook in my lap and just looked around and enjoyed the beautiful weather. Inside my head I asked God to show me/tell me what He needed me to hear right then and for this time in my life. For some reason, while I was still talking to Him, the passage of John 14 flashed in my mind. So, in response I wrote it down and told God that if that was just something I made up and it wasn't really what He wanted me to read to let me know. No other passage came to mind, so...I read it.

If you love me, you will obey what I command.... Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him (vv. 15 and 21).

And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it (vv. 13-14).

After reading and highlighting those verses, I wrote notes to myself to find out what Christ's commandments to his disciples (and to us) were and begin to apply them to my life and obey Him and also to search within my heart and pray that my True desires would be surfaced so that I wasn't asking for petty things; I wanted Truth.

Later that evening I started reading Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge. It is, for those of you living in a cave, the female version of Wild at Heart. And its main focus is on the female heart and its...you've guessed it, desire(s).


Sept. 20, 2007: I do the same thing as the day before. I take a break from getting ready for work and go sit on the swing on the back porch. Bible, pen and notebook in hand I sit and ask the same thing I did the previous day, "God, show me what You need me to hear/know."

John 13 and 15.

I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.... Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me (15:1-2, 4).

Both chapters talked about the commands Christ gave to the disciples: love (13:34; 15:12-13, 17).


I didn't go back out to the back porch again until the 26th, and when I did I asked God the same thing and then wrote a note for myself that said, "What are your heart's TRUE desires? Find them. You HAVE to..."

I was given Romans 8.

Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what the nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of a sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God (vv.5-8).

I then asked God to help me sort through my passions/desires/longings. I asked Him to help me to separate what is a sinful desire and what is a Spirit desire. I need Him to show me what I need.


Sept. 28, 2007: I sit outside. I have my Bible, my pen and my notebook. I ask God the same thing.

Jeremiah 29. I am a bit skeptical about this passage because I know I've seen it used in Captivating, and I think that may have something to do with it.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD (vv. 13-14a).

It is the same verse they used in Captivating. I am pretty sure it is being repeated to me for a reason...especially when I am wanting to seek God and get back to a healthy and stable relationship with Him.

Jeremiah wasn't enough for me. I was beginning to crave more, especially since I had noticed a pattern with desire, but I didn't see the word desire mentioned in Jer. 29. I asked for more.

James 4.

The word desire is mentioned in James 4:1!

You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures (vv. 2c-3).

The next thing I asked God was what He would have me ask of Him. What desire would He have surface in my heart, what True desire, that I should call upon Him to grant me to have.


So, the question I now ask is: HOW FREAKIN' AMAZING AND AWESOME IS GOD?!?!? SERIOUSLY!!!

I mean,...

Speechless. I got nothing.

One More Round

"Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible." --Anonymous

One More Round
BarlowGirl

Round one wasn't what I thought it'd be
Round two, I'm struggling to breathe
3, 4, 5, 6, 7 times I wondered why I stepped inside this ring
I may be knocked down and so bruised
But I'm here to tell you
That I may be knocked down but not for the count

So take me one more round
I'll just keep fighting
One more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here
One more round
I'll come out swinging
One more round
I'm telling you now I'm not gonna lose it here

It's so hard to get up off the floor again
But I know victory is when
I'm pushing through the pain that tries to feed me lies that I won't reach the end
I may be bloodied and so bruised
But I'm here to tell you
That I may be knocked down but not for the count

So take me one more round
I'll just keep fighting
One more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here
One more round
I'll come out swinging
One more round
I'm telling you now I'm not gonna lose it


I am not defeated
Though you cannot see it
I have never won a battle on my own
I find strength in weakness
I find hope believing
God is for me who can take me down?

So take me one more round
I'll just keep fighting
One more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here
One more round
I'll come out swinging
One more round
I'm telling you now I'm not gonna lose it here


So...I am happily pleased with the new BarlowGirl cd, How Can We Be Silent. It really is amazing how music -- particularly Christian music -- can speak to you in certain ways that you need some speaking done. Does that make sense? hahaha! Along with a few other of their songs (i.e., On My Own, I Need You To Love Me, Porcelain Heart, etc..), One More Round has become my anthem at this point in time. I'm no where near where I desire to be in concerning my relationship and standing with God, but, as I have stated before and have decided to stick to, I refuse to stop fighting... If you haven't heard the song yet, let me just say it is fun. It's a bit different from their style, but not really; has a nice twist to it for them. I jam out to it constantly in the car now. hahaha!

Anyway. I do realize what time it is, but I had to post this before I forgot to and also before I go to the beach. That's right! I'm going to the beach! Woo-hoo!!! I'm leaving Friday with my mom and one of her nieces (who has NEVER been to the beach ever...she's in her early 40s).

Well...that's it.

The End.