"People let me tell ya 'bout my best friend..."

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Kelso nailed your sister."

Oh, how I do l-o-v-e me some That 70's Show! hahaha! That's where my title and quote came from... So funny to watch.

I thought I would give an update on to my spiritual situation(s)...

I finally finished reading The Journey of Desire (and I must say, just as good as the first time I read it). I finsihed a few weeks ago really and didn't really think much more on my whole situation; just sort of wondered why I was prompted to read it again and what was being said to me through it, etc.. So, late last week after I've finished getting ready for bed I was just about to turn off my light when this voice inside me said, "Go get your Bible." I wasn't too sure as to what I was going to do with it (read it obviously would be the answer here, but I wasn't even positive that was going to happen), so I turned and walked to the bookshelf and picked it up. I sat on my bed and opened it. I read Psalm 2:7-8 (...He said to me, "You are my Son; today I have become your Father. Ask of me, and I will make the nations your inheritance, the ends of the earth your possesion.") and it struck something within me because I remember lying back on my bed and looking up at the ceiling telling God that the nation I was asking for was to overcome this crap that I've been weighed down with. I told him I couldn't do this anymore, and I can't. I can't keep living like this without it killing me; it's too destructive. As I lie there in silence I felt my body suddenly relax and my eyes get really heavy and I remember saying that I didn't want to fall asleep because things weren't right, I wasn't fixed yet. And then I heard it. This short response telling me that not everything can be fixed in one night. I know that, but the hardest thing for me is to wait. I cannot stand to not know outcomes (its a control issue...I know...). I cannot stand to not be in good standings relationship wise with people I care about. So, as a response to that I pulled out my notebook and wrote the following lines:

Not everything can be fixed in one night.
Some times you have to leave things not okay
And wait.
And waiting is the hardest part
Because there is no set limit to waiting.
You have no control
And when the reality of that hits
You are vulnerable.
You suddenly become that lost child
that has been wandering around inside you
that you've had locked up the whole time.
You are vulnerable
And everyone can see it;
The "it" that is you.
No mask. No front. No lies.
You.

On April 21st, I started back having a quiet time with God. It has not been an everyday event where I sit and read my Bible and talk to him. But, it has been a blessing. The days that I have spent time with him have been such a breath of fresh air, literally. I'm actually happy. Giddy, almost. I made the comment that the things that had been bogging me down started to feel a lot lighter. They weren't as problematic as they had been before. They do still arise and attempt to cause problems -- and they always will, on some level -- but, I can feel something battling against them and giving me the desire to not go there. It's wonderific (yes, that is a word...as of now.)! hahaha!

I still need help. I still need prayers and support and whatever else...

I can honestly say that I'm going to be alright.

The End.