Carousel Ride...again

"By a round of applause, how are you feeling?"

So...I've been thinking about writing this post for a while now...yep. I finally decided that I would post the lyrics to The Canvas Waiting's song Carousel Ride, because that's what my life feels like right now -- what is expressed in the lyrics. So, I went looking for the lyrics to copy and paste on here and remembered that I had posted them in a blog on my MySpace some time ago. So, I find the entry and I read what I had written...and ironically...well...yeah, I'll just let you read it.


(posted 07/05/06)
Carousel Ride
The Canvas Waiting

On your carousel ride this tossing and turning
what am I learning from all of these trials
I am what I am but I know you could change me.
Its so hard to look on the past with a smile.
But you can change everything,
that I am that I was that I'm becoming.
If theres risks than Ill take them
if theres walls then well break them.

I could waste a lifetime.
Just wondering where I went wrong
and how the world just passed me by.
But in You Ive found my reason.
You're the reason that I'm alive.
Keep me within arms reach tonight.

On your carousel ride I get the feeling
wherever I am Ill be with you tonight.
These things that I hide there's no use concealing
when you've promised to stay by my side.
And you know me better than I could ever hope to know myself
and you are my confidence when I can trust no one else.

I could waste a lifetime.
Just wondering where I went wrong
and how the world just passed me by.
But in You Ive found my reason.
You're the reason that I'm alive.
Keep me within arms reach tonight.

On your carousel ride all that I know is your all that I'm needing tonight
and I'm satisfied just knowing that your mine.
Your Mine.


So, yeah...completely irritated and frustrated. I'm to the point -- again -- of wanting to quit. To throw in the towel. To give up. Sucksville! 'Cause at the same time I really, really want to be with God and close to Him. Again...sucksville! That very first line of the song, "On your carousel ride this tossing and turning what am I learning from all of these trials?" is what I'm feeling. It's like, "God, why are you having me go through this crap phase when I want to be with You? Why are You allowing me to want to be -- indulge in -- someone who is openly defiant to everything I know You don't want?" (Just to clear up, because I know it sounds confusing, I'm talking about me being openly defiant and not some guy or people I hang out with. It sounded like I'm in some sort of relationship with someone not really of God. Not the case...unless you count it as a relationship with myself...but then that just sounds weird too.)

Hello! Confused!

So, yeah. Battling and butting heads with myself. Let's use the analogy of a firework (because of Happy Freedom and Fireworks Day). The side of me that wants God is like a firework with a semi to a wet fuse. It may light, but it's not gonna ignite the powder to send it shooting off. The other side the fuse is not so wet or whatever...but the rocket's not really going anywhere, and if it is...it's not exploding; it's not really a dud either. Does any of this make sense?

Anyway. That's where I am and how I feel and I'm...HATING IT...

The End.


So, there it is. Anyone catch anything? I am practically in the same place as I was this time last year. Different degree of circumstances, but nonetheless the same place...