Whisper softer...I can't quite hear you.

Our addictions are our own worst enemies. They enslave us with chains that are of our own making and yet that, paradoxically, are virtually beyond our control (May, Addiction and Grace).

I'm reading John Eldredge's The Journey of Desire again. I was given a copy as a graduation present back in May '05; I didn't read it (the first time) until March '06. I went through a very bad break-up around that time and felt God telling me I should read this book. I had tried once before as a part of my "Quiet Time" with God, but it fell through. So, I decided to follow God's leading and pick up the book again. I'll be honest, this book scared the crap out of me. What the real slap in the face was when he said, "Those who do not ask do not trust God enough to desire. They have no faith" (p. 59). Ding! Ding! Ding! You are correct, sir! At the time I was so afraid of God and what he could do and what he could do through and with me, that I dared not even think of asking him to reveal any desires I had. You would be too if you sat and seriously thought about the actual reality of what comes along with that. Take a moment to really think about that. Really think about what God is capable of and what he could possibly do with you. It will scare you.

Overall I was captivated by the book, not because Eldredge is a good writer (and he is), but because what he had written spoke directly to me about what had been festering inside of me.

One of the enemies of our desire that Eldredge speaks of is addiction. At the time I first read the book I came to a very sobering conclusion that I had been addicted to the guy I had been dating. That was a first for me; very odd.

With that said, I come to the real point of my post. For some reason God has me reading this book again. I haven't figured it out exactly yet, but I have a few ideas.

Since about September of '06 I found myself in a real spiritual funk. I found myself in a new environment that I enjoyed. I found myself tired of fighting. It was so much easier to let go and not care that I wasn't where I should be with God and I honestly didn't care that I didn't care (if that makes sense). I started drinking. A few times I found myself drinking to buzz, or even get drunk, because I didn't want to feel anything, and nothing was going wrong in my life to make me want to escape. I just wanted to escape simply to escape.

A few months rolled, and around the end of November I started to realize what was going on. Reality of the danger of where I was headed really hit me and I decided I couldn't do it anymore. So, I stopped some things, but didn't exactly try to make my way back to God. I had to start fighting again, and around January that is what I did. I began to climb out of the muddy pit I had been in and had been making good progress.

A few weeks ago I came to another realization: I was back at the bottom of the muddy pit I'd been working to climb out of. I don't know when or how I slipped back, but I did. Somewhere along the way I'd started slipping but convinced myself I was still climbing. If you can convince yourself the lie is real, then you can convince everyone else it is real. That is what was going on.

I didn't notice that something was wrong until I found myself wanting to escape in the alcohol again and also when memories* that I had worked so hard to bury began to resurface.

*For those who do not know certain areas of my background, I dealt with another addiction for about 5-6 years throughout jr. high/high school and first year of college: pornography. I'm one of those cases that you don't hear very much about because I'm a girl. Guess what guys! You're not the only ones...

I wasn't struggling with looking, I guess you could say. I was struggling not dwelling on images and memories that have been ingrained in my mind.

That is why I chose that particular quote from the book.

For those who need straight-forward, simple messages, the point to all this is...I'm not okay. I need help to get back to where I should be. I agree with Nathan's message a few weeks ago, God alone isn't enough. I need more than him right now. I need more than a third leg for my table too. I need about 4 more legs for my table. I want to make sure there is no way that table is going to be unsteady and topple over -- even though, that could never be entirely accomplished...but that's another topic for another day. I need more than just prayers, I need real accountability. I need someone to call me and say, "How are you?" and when I tell them I'm fine I need them to call me out on that. I need to meet with someone. I need a spiritual mentor.

Anyway. I need to go to bed now.

The End.